A Letter To My Younger Self Preparing Her For Her Infertility Journey
A Letter To My Younger Self Preparing Her For Her Infertility Journey
10 years ago I was living my best life living out my dreams of dancing on cruise ships, waking up in a different Caribbean island every day. The thought of one day having a child was quite possibly the furthest thing on my mind. Perhaps due to lack of knowledge, preconceived notions or influenced by culture, I took for granite the idea that when the day came that I was “ready,” it would just happen. Looking back now almost a decade later, on an infertility journey that I don’t think I ever could have foreseen, I wish more than anything I could equip my younger self with what she would need to get through it. I would hug her and whisper in her ear “You’ve got this because He’s got this!” Which is why I suppose I felt the desire to write myself a letter to the girl I was ten years ago to not only look back at what I wish I would have known then, but to also share my story in hopes it helps someone on a similar journey.
Dear Heather,
Where you are now is not always where you will be. What you want now is not always what you will want. Life feels pretty freaking great at the moment, but let me let you in on a little secret, it gets way better!
Believe it or not, 10 years from now you will be thousands of miles from the Caribbean, a stage and an audience and instead married to quite the possibly the sweetest man on earth (I’m talking boy-next-door, all-American guy who will love you unlike anything you could have imagined!) and the kind of marriage you always wished for. You guys will have two dogs that are both of yours pride and joy and you will have started two businesses all on your own. Life will be pretty freaking great, but you will also be experiencing what it’s like to want something more than you have ever wanted something before and it not be in your control. You’ll have a burning desire in your heart for a child. And that journey to have that child will not be what you had always imagined it would be. But I am not writing this to discourage you, quite the opposite actually. I’m here to tell you that while waiting for your dreams to come true, you are going to receive so much more.
First, I’m going to be brutally honest with you. It’s going to suck. Real bad. Crippling sadness and dismay will overtake you. You are going to witness best friends getting pregnant immediately, and while you could not be more happy for them, you will also question “Why not me?” You are going to be asked dozens of times “When are you guys ever going to have kids?” And then on the flip side of that, when you do open up about your infertility struggles, family, friends and even complete strangers will say “Oh, well don’t stress! The more you think and stress about it, the longer it will take!” And you will want to punch those people in the mouth. How could you not stress and think about the one thing you have wanted more than anything in this entire world? But don’t punch them. They mean well. You will drive yourself bananas googling articles, reading books, tracking your cycle, making sure you are taking all the right vitamins and eating all the right foods and still nothing. You will feel completely out of control of your life.
And in your saddest, darkest moments, that is when the gift that this journey will bring you is opened - knowing that you really are out of control of your life, because He is in control of it all. Through a deepening relationship with Christ, you will start growing a fierce faith that His plans for you are far better than anything you could have ever dreamt or imagined. Your comprehension and understanding of God will be taken to new heights as you receive word after word from complete strangers prophesying over your not yet conceived child. Your marriage bond will deepen and grow more intimate as you both walk through this together. You will form beautiful friendships that will bring light to your darkest days, encourage you through the Word and declare victory over your womb. God will also place a passion in your heart to help others on a similar journey and give you thoughts and ideas on how to create a community focused on faith and infertility. You will cling to His promises, His love and His goodness. You will learn to surrender all and that there is beauty in the waiting. And I can tell you that that is so true, because I am still waiting, but still believing!
xoxo - Me